What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 03:29
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
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She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What was the first Native American tribe to inhabit Long Island, NY?
I could never make a relationship work though!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ive learnt so much.
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It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
How do I find a transgender girlfriend?
But, we were locked up after school.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
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We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She loved him until the end.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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I know ,a lot about trauma.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And i lived it daily.
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She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
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But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My family never makes their pension either.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im still living with it.
This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I think the readers, may guess!
I write beautiful poetry .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was scared of men, in general
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She was in good health!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He knew the spot.
She wouldn,t have been !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He resisted the act ,that day.
We were not on the streets..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She found it foreign!.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I never cut or harmed myself..
So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Would this be the day?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I said to her
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was very sick at this time too.
Was to survive, this bastard.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My life is so biszare .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We all went to grammer schools
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So, i spoilt her more .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
What did i know ?
Put me off passion for life!!
I have no regrets .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.